Twinkle1975's Story

My story...

I knew I wanted to be a mum from the age of about 12...babies and pregnancy fascinated me and I always saw myself as married with a family of my own. Being an only child myself (due to my parents own fertility struggles) I was hopeful of a lovely big family, not that I'd had a bad childhood, quite the opposite in fact, but just dreamed of more than one child of my own. 

I think my mum's story of pregnancy loss haunted me and by my early twenties I started to worry incase I too would have a struggle to fulfil my dream, of course it was just a nagging concern at this point...

Fast forward to the year 2000 and I married a guy called Connor*. We decided to try to conceive on our honeymoon, which luckily fell mid cycle for me. Homeward bound I started to fantasise of the new life that was surely growing inside me. Back at home I was sad when my period came but hey, there was always next month! Next month saw the same result, as did the next one and the one after that and soon that nagging concern reared it's ugly head and the excitement of trying for a baby had gone forever. I called my GP and we were seen after 12 months of trying to conceive. After a referral to the Fertility Clinic and various invasive tests including a Lap & Dye test, "Unexplained Infertility" was diagnosed, with slight male factor (unreliable sperm count). IVF was suggested. We were not eligible for free funding so remortgaged to get the cash required for treatment.

Just before I was due to start down regging, a routine smear test found CIN3 pre-cancerous cells and I was devastated. I had a Colposcopy and was unable to start IVF for 6 months, after which a thankfully clear smear test was taken. 

IVF was a tough experience, not helped by the fact that my husband and I were having real problems, with him drinking more and more. I was angry as knew that this was likely to affect his sperm count and we drifted further and further apart. Treatment was unsuccessful and I was crushed. I couldn't get over my resentment towards Connor and unsurprisingly we argued more and more. A year later we decided to separate. 

In 2006 I met the love of my life, James*. We had a halcyon summer of fun and laughter and very quickly realised we were meant for each other. Never before had I believed the term "soul-mate" but after meeting this wonderful man, I did. A year on, we decided to try to conceive. After a year of no pregnancy and lots of tearful months of negative pregnancy tests, we returned to the GP. After numerous tests including a great sperm result for *James, we were advised to try Clomid. I was excited that something different had been prescribed and was feeling excited and hopeful for the first time in many years! On the fifth month of Clomid, I fell pregnant! I was completely and utterly thrilled and spent my days in a haze of magic and wonder, smiling whenever I caught my reflection, with my little secret surely clear for all to see. We went for an early scan as routine and our beautiful baby was there on the screen, with it's heart gently beating away. I was head over heels in love from that moment and felt like the luckiest girl alive. We named "him", Button. The sonographer didn't look as delighted as we were though. We were 9 weeks pregnant but Button measured only 5 weeks. And apparently the heartbeat wasn't as regular as it should be. We walked out of our appointment shell shocked at the thought that something might be wrong...a thought that had never occurred to us before. Surely nature wouldn't be so cruel as to finally give us our dream baby, only to snatch it away again? I was wrong.  A few days later we returned for a further scan which revealed that Button's heart had stopped. Our baby was dead.

In a haze of utter despair and devastation I was given an ERPC and diagnosed with a Missed Miscarriage, something I'd never heard of before. I'd had no warning and no sign that there was anything wrong. I sank to a level of sadness that I'd never known possible. I cried for days and days. Everywhere I looked, I'd see pregnant women and new mums and thought I would die from the pain in my heart, so physical was the pain. I'd always been a positive person, but that was all gone now. I grieved hard.

The love and support of my beloved James and wonderful family and friends got me through those dark days and I eventually began to look forward again. We tried a further 6 months of Clomid treatment but were unsuccessful this time. It was time to bring on the big guns, IVF. 

This time, IVF was less mentally hard, thanks to James' support, although physically it was much more demanding. I overstimulated substantially and was in quite a lot of discomfort. A whopping 26 eggs were harvested and 19 fertilised! Unfortunately the embryos dwindled over the following days and after 5 days we had one lovely blastocyst and one further lower grade embryo left. As I had over-simmer, the consultant was not happy to transfer both embryos for fear of further OHSS, so our one beautiful blast was transferred and it's sibling frozen. 

14 days later we returned to the clinic for the pregnancy test. The nurse asked if we'd tested, which we hadn't. I knew it hadn't worked. Five or so minutes later the nurse returned with a huge smile on her face...it was POSITIVE! While we were delighted, of course, we also didn't get carried away, after the experience of our loss the year before. 7 weeks in and we headed in for an early scan. I was beside myself with worry at what we would see on the screen. Some nail biting moments later and the sonographer smiled...there was our little bear, heart beating strongly and measuring exactly right for its gestation. We were both in utter floods of tears, this time the happiest sort.

I was very lucky to have a smooth and healthy pregnancy, other than a touch of OHSS at the start and SPD at the end, but all this was forgotten when my beautiful baby girl was born in April 2011. When she was placed on my chest I was struck by how beautiful and vulnerable she was...from that moment on, my job in life was to protect and care for the little person I'd fought so hard to bring into the world.

14 months on we were absolutely gob-smacked and ecstatic to find ourselves pregnant once again, this time completely naturally and we welcomed our second beautiful daughter into the world in February 2013. 

My life is beyond perfect and I feel luckier than I could ever imagine.

Good luck to you all and thank you for reading xx

--Twinkle1975 (talk) 17:56, 27 April 2013 (UTC)