AtoZ's story
AtoZ's Story
I guess I always knew I wouldn't get pregnant the natural way. I always feel grateful for the fact that when i had THAT conversation with the doctor the news of IVF didn't hit me like a bolt out of the blue. I always for so much sorrow for people who think they are going to try for a baby and have one, only to be told there is something wrong. I shouldn't really because we are all in the same god awful boat together!
I was diagnosed with PCOS and to be honest it didn't mean that too much to me. I was quite happy only having a couple of periods a year! Then met the love of my life and one night after him joking 'you're not pregnant are you' had to sit and tell him that was most unlikely and why. I just hoped he wouldn't leave me for some girl who functioned. Of course, he didn't. He shrugged and said 'we'll adopt then' (could I have loved him more at that point, I doubt it!) So, we got married and had a fabulous lifestyle for a couple of years and then decided to start a family. At this point, every man and his wife was falling pregnant. Anyone else notice that? As soon as you want (and cant have) a baby EVERYONE else does! It was on the television, my friends, every other person in the street seemed to have a bump, prams ramming into you, almost taunting you in the shops (you calling the mother under your breath for daring to bring a pram out on a Saturday!)
After a couple of years trying and nothing happening (they put me on various levels of clomid) we started IVF at Liverpool Women's Hospital. Everything went well with my treatment and at the end of it I had a perfect 8 cell embryo put back. I prayed it would work. Didn't believe it, but prayed nonetheless! On the morning of the test I did it, climbed back in bed and said 'it wont have worked' ... it did. I couldn't believe it. However, at 6 weeks it went away. As did our hopes and dreams. I became very bitter, I suddenly couldn't bear anyone talking babies. I hated the fact people had started walking on eggshells round me. I had images of myself turning into crazy cat woman who had 500 cats and children would walk past my house and point at scary cat lady. I didn't have a shred of happiness to offer anyone falling pregnant. All the time my over positive husband kept telling me 'it will be our turn soon'. He just believed it.
We started our second round of IVF, but this time I had to do something. I had to take away that awful feeling of hopelessness and what will be will be. I am a control freak and I think this is what bothered me so much about the whole thing. I couldn't do anything to make it work. So, this time I took every supplement know to help and I had acupuncture every week. I drank gallons of milk to get good eggs and warmed my tummy with a hot water bottle before they were put back in. We went for egg collection and I had 19. We got the phone call that there were 2 looking good but not brilliant and after 3 days I had them put back. I instantly thought they weren't 'perfect 8 cellers' and just thought, it wont work. I started a five year plan of how we would keep funding IVF until it worked. Talk about negativity!
It did work. That moment of seeing a positive line getting darker as the days go on was a feeling of total joy that it had worked and total horror that it could all go away again. At 7 weeks we went for the scan and we casually told 'they're both fine' TWINS! Panic and joy still mixed in with the horror of them going sent me into a complete meltdown! That along with horrible morning sickness! I couldn't bear waiting till 12 weeks and paid for a scan at 9 weeks, 11 weeks and then the magical 12 weeks scan came and went.
I swear, I spent every day up to and including the 30 week mark (that was my 'safe' point in my mind) worrying! Will they be OK, will I loose one of them/both of them. I Googled every possible outcome and analysed every twinge. Looking back now, I don't know how my other half didn't section me. Why did I feel like this? Simple, I couldn't believe out of all the women going through IVF, I was one of the lucky ones. That's all it is, luck and I was convinced at some point mine was going to run out.
It didn't though! My beautiful boy and girl were born naturally at 37 weeks. They are my world. They have aged us, drove me to drink (every Saturday night) and have pushed stress buttons I didn't know I had but god are they worth it! They make me laugh every day and show me how the world should be looked at. You don't know life until you see it through the eyes of 2 year old toddlers!
